It was just “UNDEFINED BOND “with Manu,
Sometimes some bonding are undefined but it’s hard to give the perfection for
it, in every angle, Then I thought “Is there anything on earth which is
beautiful left undamaged”?,As his Mother and Myself were vital to him, In very
last call he addressed me As “Maaa” it was so intense, careful and affectionate
I felt like I’m dropping the baby at the
middle ,and then I texted Manu” ITS ADHI
ONLY ADHI” but still I prefer your friendship too...There was no reply and in
fact there was no expectations leftover for his reply too… Meanwhile Adhi
shifted to other place to continue his further studies that really broke me
more… That day I was breathing hard, there were tears running down my face…He
just went off without informing as he knew the scenarios. I was tired of all
moving away from me. I wanted to end it .There was only one way out of this
misery. It was my only escape, quietly but determined. I had made up my mind to
take my own life.
I started attending regular counselling
sessions and started attending spiritual camps of SHRI RAMAKRISHNA ASHRAMA somewhere
being spiritual was keeping my peace. Meditation chanting mythological hymns
was giving me the positive vibes. There was nothing that could harm me anymore.
The suicidal thoughts and anxiety was just a night mare, I was looking forward
to meet Guru weekly once. His preaching’s were not only supportive but I felt very
confident that I would get well soon. More than anything else it was his
unwavering faith in me that gave me courage. I was totally away from the my people,
family, friends, cousins, and I felt like I was wasting my precious time, positive
energy, great efforts somewhere in unwanted thoughts instead that can be
invested in creating myself better. Working as a trainee for small kids made my
mind grow well, and diverted me to the new world of hopes.
Everything was well after couple of months. I started accepting my reality world. For Adhi “I was always wanted to be Doer not Doubter” so with good knowledge, life was perfect without any expectations that was really feeling me light MY SQUAD,OUTINGS, SPIRITUAL CAMPS, SLIGHT FIGHTS WITH ADHI ON CALL, everything seems to be SWITCHING ON TO THE SUNSHINE at the same time ,Manu was just a nightmare. Life was indeed unpredictable and it was true that it could take a sudden unexpected turn. The Bhagavad-Gita texts always kept my mind calm, That day these words created positive vibes in me :
”NA RUPAM ASYEHA TATHOPALABHYATE, NANTO NA CADIR NA CA SAMPRATISTHA ASVATTHAM ENAM SUVIRUDHA-MULAM, ASANGA-SASTRENA DRDHENA CHITTVA; TATAH PADAM TAT PARIMARGITAVYAM, YASMIN GATA NA NIVARTANTI BHUYAH TAM EVA CADYAM PURUSAM PRAPADYE, YATAH PRAVRTTIH PRASTRA PURANI”
which means The real form of Banyan tree(material life)cannot be perceived in this world. No one can understand when it ends, where it begins, or where its foundation is. But with determination one must cut down this tree with weapon of detachment, So doing one must seek that place from which having once gone, one never returns, and their surrender to that supreme personality of god head from whom everything has begun and in whom everything is abiding since time is immemorial.
Many days later Adhi had given
a surprise visit and met me. We had an outing for my refreshment, we were on
the top of the hill, soothing breeze made me to sit in silence and enjoy being with
myself.
ADHI: What are you thinking? (He
broke the silence).
ANU :(I was just silently
blank..) Listen, I quit my relationship with Manu, I don’t know whether he
wanted to leave me or I choose to quit him.
ADHI: What really? And you
didn’t think it was important to talk to me about it or discuss it with me
before hand? (I hated his fury).
ANU: It just happened, I
don’t know.
ADHI: Okay.. (With his cold
looks.)
ANU: Okay seriously? Say something?
ADHI: I’m just trying to
process the things now, Dude give me time.. And tell me the reason at least;
what made you guys to take such big decision.
ANU: I just don’t know. It
was rude when he gave me an option in relationships just like multiple choice
questions, seems like he was possessive and I was to figure it out and I was not happy with what
he was, so he gave an option and I choose to be with you over him... As simple
as it is.
ADHI: So he didn’t leave you?
It’s you, who chooses to leave him and chose me right?
ANU: Somewhat like that but
I’m feeling better now that’s it.
ADHI: Fuck your Better!!!You
take such a big step without even involving me in it...
ANU: I was just scared to
tell you that may be it would ruin something between us and you know that I
wasn’t happy with relationship right? And moreover you were happy with your new
life, friends and enjoying your own love life. So I thought why to intrude you in
such unnecessary things. After all, it was my own decision. JUST CHILL!!!
ADHI: Chill? I know ma’am
it’s your own decision, and I also know that it’s your own life but you should
have at least spoken to me, we would have gone through this. See now it effects
all three of us..
ANU: Wait all three of us?
ADHI: Yes, including me you
should not have ended it like this. I hate you for this just move aside.
ANU: Dude please why aren’t
you asking me are you fine now?? Instead of being rude..
ADHI: I’m not rude Waste; I’m
just concerned about you. You never understand me and my point of view.. You
are such an asshole that you just move with people randomly who makes you happy
only for that moment isn’t it? and for you Zindagi me koyi priorities nahi hi..! You seem
like an open book to all, if you can’t balance then better stay away from people.
Don’t do this shit.
ANU: Listen you are sounding
too rude n you know what is my condition now. If this is how you want to talk
then better don’t talk to me… Even you hide many things from me, regarding your
personal love life and all. Do you remember how considerate I was for your
irresponsible relationship things?
ADHI: So? Don’t compare I
just hate it, that was long ago okay, things have changed now… “PEOPLE CHANGE
AND THEIR PRIORITIES TOO”
ANU: So that’s great Adhi..
You changed because I was not in your prior list now..? Wahoo! Thank God I’m at
least confessing my things but you never uttered single word of your
relationship.
ADHI: Stop it.. Just think for
a while, don’t you realizing we are growing up now?
ANU: So we continue to grow
up irrespective of our random things.
ADHI: No I want to grow up in
particular direction.
ANU: Exactly which is why, I ended
that relationship, by the way what is the difference if I have my same decision
after our discussion.
ADHI: wow this is how you
make me so important? You better not say me like I did..
ANU: Better stop talking
about the importance u give to me, hiding many things from me till now.
ADHI: Its better if you end
it with me also I’m not that happy that you choose me over him, I know deep
inside you are in need of his friendship and you know that he had developed
feelings for you... I would have rather helped you both to fix yourself
together.
ANU: Stop it!!You are my
friend and you care me right? Why don’t you ask “Are you okay?” Ok let’s figure
it out and clear it together instead of creating this mess...
He just ignored it all. As
usual we went back like nothing happened...Since I was a patient, everyone used
to treat me with extra care and concern specially Adhi, and I was fragile. While
I enjoyed their extra care and attention, sometimes I was feeling a lot tougher
now then I had ever been earlier. Adhi went back to his place as his holidays ended.
This time it was really difficult to me to give him a send-off, I missed him
more. Besides, all that Adhi had started, all the possible ways to get back Manu
behind me, nothing worked, but deep inside I was happy with my decision, Yeah
to make beautiful life, we need to find our own little sops that comfort us.
Just find the beauty in yourself where there is none “Expect nothing AND appreciate
everything “is what I believed in. Those moments were making me feel like ‘your
thoughts are going to eat you alive’, and make you do things, you regret, stop
for a minute and go do something you really enjoy. We are not responsible for
others’ actions. Those are the choices they make, neither can we control there
being nor can we blame our self. But by presuming that it was something you did
that made them act in certain way hurts.
Somewhere either Manu Never
approached me directly that he did not love me nor Adhi never had agreement to
stay with me forever. Thinking of few things for moment that Trick your brain
into looking for positive instead of negative even in bad situation there is always
something good in it. I was really very comfortable and relaxed; nothing was feeling
heavy inside me. I loved the way I was changing. Finally that moment arrived
which I was waiting for. I finally checked out my results “OH! God it’s me I
was back “I took my time to understand what that means and came to terms with reality.
Maybe it was little but there is always something good in everything and every
day.
Yo..!,I made it yes!!!I just grabbed my results that said ‘Distinction’ which was an unbelievable moment. Can’t just express I wanted to show everyone out there that I was not a looser and I have that fucking knowledge to prove them all, From then I was just moving for myself, never cared for other just moving on with life… After couple of weeks the phone rang with display of unknown number…
(Episode 10-Unexpected Heart-break)
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