AN ETERNAL LOVE
Fate
ruled over me in fact I was astonished of my marks, in my result somewhere I
felt I may get less marks, but it was something else, They say “Just move on
even where there is no way a way will be made because nothing is impossible”.
Yes,
I was failed, I don’t reason for my failures but yes I was failed I was
depressed I had almost decided to end my life ….. Quit myself my family was
furious nobody talked or cared me for many days what showed me from quitting
was the motivational push from Adhi , I was successful in passing the subject
in my second chance but failed to get back the people it was only my mom Adhi and my bestie avani who stood my
back……
The hatred from dad literally sucked me …
The
time period after my plus 2 second chance result was just a shit family hatred
no proper guts to face people I was mentally ill not knowing what I’m doing
anymore. I was unable to focus on my life….. my failures all those irksome
moments unwanted inadequate worthless inferiors somewhere I have lost myself in
anxiety I worried about everything no confidence I felt like I couldn’t trust
anyone who want me or close to me because I was convinced that I was stupid and
worthless. After the outing everything was change between all three of us, yes
there was shit of mess ruling in our lives deep inside Manu had lots of
feelings for me neither I was very afraid to worth his feelings nor he never
expressed me directly since his mom passed away I heard he had been shifted to
Hyderabad with his relatives things are cleared in my mind that he would never
come back to me ,watching his snaps with his other girl Aruna there was no
future expectations in me… Somewhere Adhi also hated me and ignoring
me for his personal love life huge dark void was inside of pretending
everything was okay…..
With
all the support of Adhi I joined my applied science graduation college, That
day I wrote “The best part of my day was realizing my future and The worst was
realizing what was in my future” in the first page of my book…..
My parents had no idea, what I was going
through I was in deliberate pain, it sears everywhere in me I was not able to
bear. I wish I had never met the people who are going far away from me now.
The failure me, The psych me, The detached
me, The lone me, it was hurting I used to curl up like ball on the bed I needed
a deep sleep In fact to escape from this I need to sleep forever.
Expectations hurts, indeed they hurt extremely
when the opposite person was your loved one.
All scenario and ignorance from both side
leads to severe healthy issues and I was mentally ill later my mom decided I
was depressed I really left the house spent quite a lot of time in bed, ate
infrequently and left alone always by thinking about death, I use to calm down
for myself by “Its ok I ‘am fine,” But in reality those seemed to have no
effect I was just not understanding what was happening to me it was nothing I
had ever experienced it before.
With all my hard times I made effect to
meet Adhi help me” I ‘m scared “I cried, He was the only one who always makes
me feel safe.
“Cool down, I ‘am here “he made me to fall
asleep after some time, He asked me “what’s wrong? how is life? how about new
academics? I was just in silence.
I never told him that I was afraid of
losing you and even Manu was neglecting me, my emotions were spiraling out of
control.
He came close to me I could not respond I
closed my eyes willing whatever gripping me to go away I felt Adhi’s hand on my
back he was rubbing my back trying to calm me ,Take a deep breath ,He said I
did everything was calm now and it was just for that movement nobody was
meeting my expectation. I was going through the toughest phase of my life.
Meanwhile my PCOD reached at heights due to
imbalance. When I was awake it was just a blank wall with saline injected to my
hand, I took a pill and slept like corpse the truth was I never wanted to get
up. The next morning I tearfully asked my aunt who was seated beside my bed,”
what was wrong with me?” “you are just realizing that the world is scary place” she said. Yeah, may be.. Nope I was just kidding, the world terrifies
me every night of my life and I don’t know why or how to stop it.
During those days naps are not only a
nicely but a necessity or sometimes I want to with draw to my bed to escape
life for time being .indeed sleep comfort me always.
The day after discharge I had a call from Manu
even he was in hard times family goals, being orphan, responsibilities, and careers.
He never said me directly that, he had loved me.. either I have not cleared up
my mind and assure my love for him ,but things were cleared in my mind that no
future, no expectations. All I haunted is for some peace right now. All these
things ended up with his big question mark ME or ADHI? That really killed me I
was just confused with my things around in my head
Remembering the words, from Geeta
BANDHUR ATMATMANAS TASYA YENATHAMAIVATMANA
JITAH, ANATMANAS TU SATRUTVE VARTETATMAIVA
Which say for him who has conquered the mind, the
mind is the best of friends, but for one who has failed to do so his mind will
remain the greatest enemy and I hang up the call……
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